she realized if she curled her toes she could feel the edge of the rocks in the creases of her feet. she sifted the dirt in between each toe. imagining they were cookie crumbs beneath her. the howl of the wind provoked her. whispering in her ear, goooo...stayyyy...gooo...staayyy. she spread her arms out like a bird and thought, hmm, no walls. she remembered how she had felt like a prisoner in her own home and in her mind. walls were always enclosing her; physically and emotionally. she looked left and looked right with approval, much better, she thought. as she put her arms down to her sides, she reflected on what had brought her to this place; to this moment: life. she said the words aloud, slowly, sounding as if she had eaten a spoonful of peanut butter, lii...ii...fffee. the word did not come out smoothly, it was heavy and full of stories behind it. this word had now become one of the hardest words in her vocabulary. it was weighted. she hated that the meaning had changed for her and it overpowered her emotions. you have control, she reassured herself. control was a luxury for her. life had had it's way with her. she knew from a young age that all the experiences in her life could not be real life. i wasn't brought here to suffer in this way, she would often think to herself. this could not be all there was to life, there had to be more. but in the end she never knew more, she only knew suffering. she didn't remember much of her mother. she had passed away she she was a small child. life had been beautiful up until that moment. then her father began to raise her. no matter how much this man had said he was her father, she could never truly believe him. deep down she had known that fathers don't look at their daughters the way he looked at her. deep down she had known that fathers don't touch their daughter the way he had touched her. deep down she knew, despite this man being her only family, she had to escape. it was a daily thought, an obsession of how and when to leave this imprisonment. she had so many master plans of escape and in the end she didn't need any of them. the day had begun to turn in to night and she sat at home wondering where he was. her father was a punctual man; he should have walked through the door over an hour ago. she sat in her chair, the chair that had been assigned to her to sit in until he came home. it was now dark outside and the phone rang. normally she would have had to ask for permission to use the phone. and even when she did, the calls were monitored. it rang four times and then it stopped. she was instantly relieved once it stopped ringing. but after a moment it began to ring again. this time her curiosity overcame her and she answered it. the person on the other side sounded solemn, serious. she listened intently, hearing only the words 'father' and 'accident.' the caller was still talking when she dropped the phone, she didn't care to listen to the rest. her attention shifted towards the door. the door. the one part of the house that had been off limits. now, it was within her reach. she slowly walked towards it, second guessing herself on how to open it. don't be silly she thought, it's just a door, open it. she turned the knob slowly fully expecting it to be locked somehow from the outside. to her surprise the door opened. at this, she let out a mad laugh. as she laughed, she also began to cry, thinking, how many times has this door been left unlocked? and how did she never think to check. fear, she knew. once the door was open she stepped onto the porch. she looked down the road and thought, now what? there was only one place she knew hot to get to and with that in mind, she ran. she sprinted and didn't look back. it was the only place she knew. the cliffs. her father had taken her there several times to remind her of how big the world was and how small her world would always be. she would have never been able to go there alone, or anywhere else for that matter. it was the only place she had memorized. now she was there. she didn't think about what she would do once she arrived but now that she was there, she was certain. she bent forward slightly and looked down for a moment; the wind provoking her even more with a loud, swooooossshhhh! she took a slight step back and steadied herself. the invisible backpack of emotions had become too heavy for her to carry any longer. letting go was never in her nature; she had taught herself to manifest her pain and embrace it like a child. the moon shone on a singular spot among the ocean like a flashlight guiding her down. she looked over her shoulder into the darkness one last time. no one was there. what did you expect? she quietly said to herself. no one was ever there. she faced forward and focused on the moonlight down below. the weight of carrying all these emotions, like a small child, after a while, had become quite heavy to carry. she needed a release, a moment to place the child down for a bit while she rested. the wind whispered one last time, gooooo....she closed her eyes tightly, exhaled deeply and finally, she let go.
(fiction)
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